


Lost in Resurrection

by Melime



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Memory Loss, Past Relationship(s), Star Trek III: The Search for Spock
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:35:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29754153
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime
Summary: Spock's knowledge returned, but his feelings lagged behind, and he couldn't remember what Jim meant to him.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Spock
Comments: 4
Kudos: 24
Collections: Froday Flash Fiction Fandom Battle





	1. Spock

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Português brasileiro available: [Perdido na Ressurreição](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29754159) by [Melime GreenLeaf (Melime)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Melime/pseuds/Melime%20GreenLeaf)



> Written for [FFFC](https://fffc.dreamwidth.org/) 's 10 years fandom battle challenge.

There were still gaps in his memory.

It was probable some would always be there. The process that brought him back was imprecise, a hasty attempt at marrying old beliefs and new technology, something never done before and that would likely never be done again. It was a novel situation, with only presumptions guiding his treatment.

The memories he had, he saw with some level of disconnection, as if he had read the mission logs of someone else, someone he knew, but only barely.

His first memory was of Jim, his friend, although he couldn’t understand the weight that word seemed to have, just below the surface but entirely inaccessible. Before he could even say who he was, before he could recognize his family, he remembered Jim, although he lacked the context to understand the significance of this.

His technical knowledge was easier to reclaim. He couldn't know this, but he was always more comfortable with his intellect. Aside from some difficulties caused in his early childhood due to the conflict of his dual nature, his mind could always perform like a Vulcan's, and his competence was far above average. Anything less and he could never have had a chance to enter the Vulcan Academy, he had to be better than any competition, undoubtedly brilliant, even if ultimately he decided to forge his own path away from those who would constantly look at him waiting for his human nature to fail him.

A lifetime of knowledge recovered in only a pair of weeks, but the connections made along that life still eluded him. These people, his friends, were willing to risk their lives and careers for him, and he couldn’t understand why.

At times he could almost remember a feeling. His brother leaving never to be seen again, the fight of omission with his father, losing the sister he swore never to think of again, realizing he could never give his mother the affection she craved, betraying the Federation for his friend and mentor, believing Jim dead by his hands and finding him still alive, deciding to abandon the Enterprise and cleansing himself of all feelings, returning and reaching some sort of understanding about those feelings, and giving his life for his friends.

He would never remember dying, never know what he felt alone in those chambers as the radiation took him. His past life ended as his katra was passed, anything after that point he could only know from what he was told.

As to the rest of his memories, no one could say when, if or in which form they would return. Perhaps the empty memories, with just a hint of feelings forgotten, would be the best he could hope for. No, not even that, hope was a human emotion, and he was Vulcan, for the most part.

Perhaps it was fitting then that his doctors and even his father didn’t seem concerned that his recovery was factual, not emotional. Only his mother, human as she was, continued to probe around his feelings, asking for answers he didn’t know to give.

And then there was Jim. Spock could tell he expected something, although unlike his mother Jim wouldn’t ask him directly, so Spock didn’t know what he was expecting. Perhaps he simply wished for his friend back, for someone who knew him, but most of the memories Spock had yet to recover involved Jim. He would remember going to talk to him, going to see Jim, but barely anything afterwards, aside from some occasions in which he believed they played chess.

He had a theory, although it was one he couldn’t share with anyone. Any human would be of no help, any Vulcan doctor would assume it as a sign that his mind was defective. Since his nature was also human, to a small degree, and the katra was a Vulcan element, perhaps the human part of him had been left behind, or maybe it was just slow in reintegrating itself.

If that was the case, then maybe this was the reason why he could almost remember some feelings, and perhaps some of the memories associated with them were the ones that had yet to return.

Whenever he saw Jim, he could sense there was something, something missing, something lost. Out of consideration for Jim, he didn’t dare asking, he wouldn’t want to risk hurting him even more than his lack of memory already had.

When he meditated, he could almost connect with something.beyond himself, a thread not quite severed yet, but like a rope mostly cut, held together by a single line. He tried following that thread, but so far he couldn’t. Something held him back, but he didn’t know if that was the fragility of the threat, his own hesitation, or something else, perhaps even whatever was the cause of it being almost completely cut. In moments like this, he would see Jim, himself and Jim, together, in ways he didn’t know if were a memory, a desire, or perhaps the memory of a desire.

All he had to do was ask Jim about them, but he didn’t know how to approach the subject, didn’t know what things were permitted in their relationship and what things weren’t. So until he could remember his own feelings, he wouldn’t dare, there was too much of a risk that all he would do would be to hurt Jim.


	2. Kirk

Against all odds, against all rules of the universe as they knew it, he had Spock back. To call it a miracle would be too little, it couldn’t come close to the enormity of all of these impossible circumstances coming together to create an opportunity that was never even thought possible before.

It was greater than any miracle, and he should be grateful for all that he had, even if… He just wished… He couldn’t help but wish for more. As he watched from afar Spock testing his knowledge, retraining his mind, more disconnected from his feelings than he had ever been, Kirk couldn’t help but wish that his return had been just a little more complete.

He had just gotten Spock back, they were finally in a good place, after so many years of dancing around each other. It took a supercomputer messing with his mind, but Spock had finally been able to admit his feelings, and Kirk couldn’t have been happier. Even if their relationship had to be a secret, he knew that behind their backs it was called the worst kept secret in Starfleet history, and ironically the rumors started before they even kissed for the first time, which said something about the way they were around each other.

Spock, of course, could remember none of that. He seemed to have lost whatever tenuous connection he had with his own feelings in the past, instead recovering all of his knowledge, most of his memories, but none of his feelings.

Kirk wanted to ask him what exactly he remembered. If he could remember kissing him, holding him tight when he couldn’t sleep, mind melding while they made love, mind melding for essentially any reason or just because they wanted to, their bond, now weakened, that allowed Kirk to feel Spock’s death. He wanted to ask, but he couldn’t.

On one hand, he was told Spock’s progress would be gradual, and there was no telling how long it would take for him to recover, or if he would fully recover. He had to be patient, although patience never came easily for him, especially when the wellbeing of a loved one was at stake, and he never knew how to sit idly by and just wait. His other reason was more selfish, and one he hardly dared thinking about.

He knew Vulcans weren’t as unemotional as they enjoyed leading others to believe. It would take a fool not to notice that Sarek loved Amanda deeply, even if he couldn’t say so, and that love was clear in his actions, they could hardly keep their hands off each other, which was saying something considering Vulcans were mostly averse to touch and public displays of affection. But Spock was part human, so perhaps his Vulcan side never did develop feelings, especially after being told during all his life that Vulcans had no feelings, instead leaving those to the human side. If that was the case, Kirk wondered if Spock’s feelings even could return. After all, the katra, which he still couldn’t quite understand, and had been thinking of as a soul, or at least something close to it, was exclusively a Vulcan thing.

As terrible as that was to imagine, perhaps what was human about Spock had died with him back at the ship, and only the part of him that was Vulcan could be brought back. Kirk didn’t dare asking if that could be the case, and he didn’t have anyone to ask.

He doubted even the Vulcan doctors knew the answer. Spock was very nearly unique, a cross between humans and Vulcans was still rare, and none other had been made quite in the same way that he had. Aside from that, although the katra was a routine thing for Vulcans, despite being one of their most well guarded secrets, reuniting the katra with a resurrected body wasn’t, it was never even attempted before. Besides, since hybrids were so rare it was even possible they had never even collected the katra of one before, so they wouldn’t know if the non Vulcan essence was kept.

These were all rationalizations, made so that he could keep his cowardice hidden. The truth was that he was afraid of the answer. He was afraid that through some twisted turn of fate Spock had come back, but not his Spock, not the Spock he loved and who loved him in return.

Kirk received more than a miracle, more than anyone could ever hope for, but he still wished for more. He still wished that things would just go back to the way they were, and as much as he knew he should be grateful for having even this much of Spock back, he couldn’t help but wish that he would just go back to normal.


End file.
